As I said before, there are many, many more upsides of divorce/separation than there are downsides. I've added a few here in the last few posts and they can be small and large, short and long ones too.
This one is about getting a break as a single parent when the ex-partner has them for a couple days or the weekend. I actually found many with this topic, but wanted to share this good one by Jen.
Enjoy,
Brian Daniel
The upside of divorce
Posted on November 21, 2008 by Jen
It has been brought to my attention on occasion that I am just a bit too giddy at the notion of me time, as in time away from my children. They say this, I believe, because I sometimes jump in the air and click my heels together in sort of of a leprechaun manner when their father picks them up for a weekend. Or I have been known to cackle when I know a span of time is approaching and they will all be someplace other than under my supervision. Apparently the older two take these actions personally and hold me accountable for their anguish. To this I say, “Boo effing hoo. Not true.”
If I am being honest I have to admit that the thought of not mediating between a hostile teen and a diva-ish tween is a pleasant one. As is the concept of not being Devon’s hand servant for any length of time. But as I have come to discover over the years, there is more to this mothering thing than hovering and serving. I actually like them, which I sometimes believe is more of a test than loving them. I will always love them unconditionally to the depths of my soul, but like? Different thing all together.
Another truth is that more often than not when I am away from my children I am at a loss. It is sort of like wearing a new pair of super cool pants that fit my hind region perfectly only to discover they have no front pockets, which leaves me looking like an uber ass when all I am striving for is cool chic. Because when I am without my children for any time span of more than a few hours I begin to feel itchy in the hand area, I simply haven’t the faintest idea of what to do with them. So it isn’t the reality of being child-free that pumps me up so, it is the idea of it. The thought that I could pick up and go anywhere without having to pack snacks and make sure there are a sufficient number of seat belts in the car. The concept of absolute freedom without explaining a single thing to another person. These ideas are what fire me up when I fantasize about two days without my brood. But the reality is that after about 90 minutes of just my voice in my head I start to wonder where they are and if perhaps maybe I should turn on the ringer of my cell phone just in case they need me to come to wherever they might be.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Friday, June 24, 2011
And.....Another "Upside of Divorce"......
There are many, many upsides of divorce and there may be too many to try and publish here?
I'll continue to copy some of the very best ones I find and will be sure to not add ones similar to those presented previously, OK?
Brian Daniel
The Upside of Divorce
June 24th, 2010 | by Theodore | Published in Divorce 'n' Custody
Divorce is no fun. It is no fun on levels of not being fun that I never realized existed. It is as far from fun as anything can get without having a cavity filled at the same time. It is short-term no fun, long-term no fun. It is deeply expensive, requires lawyers, involves judges, and just plain sucks.
But not all the time.
One of the nice things about being on my own with JP is that I’m on my own with JP. I don’t have to run my decisions by anyone (when I’m with him). I get to decide what we’re going to do and when, what he’s going to eat, how he’s going to dress, when he’s going to sleep. I get to answer the endless “why” questions that dominate most of JP’s thought processes these days. (Why are doing that? Because. Why because? Because because… etc.)
Today I’m taking JP to the park to play with a friend. I think we may have pizza for lunch, but there’s a fair chance I’ll change my mind. Who knows what else we’ll get up to. No offense to my married friends, but how many of you—particularly the men—get to choose much of anything? Not that there aren’t advantages to having to compromise with another person. There are lots. But occasionally it’s nice just to keep your own counsel and feel like you’re the one providing what your child needs. Big responsibility, yes, but big reward, too.
I'll continue to copy some of the very best ones I find and will be sure to not add ones similar to those presented previously, OK?
Brian Daniel
The Upside of Divorce
June 24th, 2010 | by Theodore | Published in Divorce 'n' Custody
Divorce is no fun. It is no fun on levels of not being fun that I never realized existed. It is as far from fun as anything can get without having a cavity filled at the same time. It is short-term no fun, long-term no fun. It is deeply expensive, requires lawyers, involves judges, and just plain sucks.
But not all the time.
One of the nice things about being on my own with JP is that I’m on my own with JP. I don’t have to run my decisions by anyone (when I’m with him). I get to decide what we’re going to do and when, what he’s going to eat, how he’s going to dress, when he’s going to sleep. I get to answer the endless “why” questions that dominate most of JP’s thought processes these days. (Why are doing that? Because. Why because? Because because… etc.)
Today I’m taking JP to the park to play with a friend. I think we may have pizza for lunch, but there’s a fair chance I’ll change my mind. Who knows what else we’ll get up to. No offense to my married friends, but how many of you—particularly the men—get to choose much of anything? Not that there aren’t advantages to having to compromise with another person. There are lots. But occasionally it’s nice just to keep your own counsel and feel like you’re the one providing what your child needs. Big responsibility, yes, but big reward, too.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
More Upsides of Divorce for the Children
In my book, "Upside of Divorce" (short name), I discuss how you should never put your children (or friends and other family) in the middle of your divorce arguments, one upmanship, etc.
I also believe that my boys matured a little faster than they might have otherwise and that was a good thing. This is not too say that my boys had no problems. One did suffer some emotional problems and he did need help from a therapist.
These were my experiences.
Below you can read other Upsides of Divorce for children observed by Psychology Today.
Brian Daniel
The Upside of Divorce
Refutes the contention that it is difficult and harmful for kids to grow with a single mother raising them. Information on the interview conducted by Joyce Arditti of Virginia Polytechnic Institute, on young adults raised by their mothers; Description of the parent-child relationships of persons raised by single mothers; Uniqueness of the relationship.
By Holly Parker, published on September 01, 1999
PARENTING
Single moms often depend on daughters for the support that Dad would normally have provided. But is it harmful for kids to mother their own mothers?
Not very, says Joyce Arditti, Ph.D., of the Virginia Polytechnic institute. In fact, it can be beneficial.
Arditti's interviews with 58 young adults raised by their mothers after a divorce indicated that their relationships are based in friendship, not hierarchy. When mothers leaned on their kids, children reported feeling a closeness and equality with them. Daughters, especially, were most likely to describe Mom as a "best friend."
These parent-child relationships are different, but not always more difficult, than traditional ones, says Arditti, who adds: "Using your child as a confidante is not necessarily wrong. And It actually may set up opportunities for children to talk to mothers."
The Upside of Divorce
Some children of divorce learn from their parents' mistakes.
By David Mahl, published on March 01, 2000 - last reviewed on July 27, 2007
No doubt about it—divorce can be devastating for kids, setting a distorted example of a healthy partnership. But many children of divorce not only adjust well to family breakups, they develop thriving relationships in their wake.
I interviewed 28 college students to see how their parents' divorces influenced their romantic lives, and found they were equally split into three groups: "Modelers" tended to copy the dysfunctional behaviors they witnessed in their parents' marriage, causing conflict in their own relationships. "Strugglers" were cautious about trusting others and unsure of what to expect from a partner. But another class of students, the "reconcilers," actively strove to learn from their parents' problems and thus had more successful subsequent relationships.
The group students fell into depended on the type of connection they had with their parents, post-divorce. Modelers related fairly well to their parents, but had limited insight into the problems their parents endured. Strugglers grew distant from their parents after the split, receiving little emotional support and ambiguous messages from them; consequently, they became unsure of what behaviors to emulate in their own love lives. Reconcilers, however, remained close to their parents, who were also more likely to go on to happy remarriages. This positive example made reconcilers optimistic about their love lives and helped them learn to relate to romantic partners.
Divorce can strengthen kids' ability to sustain successful relationships, but only if their parents stay supportive throughout the ordeal—and afterward. Parents should explain their marital dilemmas to their children to alert them to problems they might otherwise duplicate. In the end, good communication can prevent romantic history from repeating itself.
I also believe that my boys matured a little faster than they might have otherwise and that was a good thing. This is not too say that my boys had no problems. One did suffer some emotional problems and he did need help from a therapist.
These were my experiences.
Below you can read other Upsides of Divorce for children observed by Psychology Today.
Brian Daniel
The Upside of Divorce
Refutes the contention that it is difficult and harmful for kids to grow with a single mother raising them. Information on the interview conducted by Joyce Arditti of Virginia Polytechnic Institute, on young adults raised by their mothers; Description of the parent-child relationships of persons raised by single mothers; Uniqueness of the relationship.
By Holly Parker, published on September 01, 1999
PARENTING
Single moms often depend on daughters for the support that Dad would normally have provided. But is it harmful for kids to mother their own mothers?
Not very, says Joyce Arditti, Ph.D., of the Virginia Polytechnic institute. In fact, it can be beneficial.
Arditti's interviews with 58 young adults raised by their mothers after a divorce indicated that their relationships are based in friendship, not hierarchy. When mothers leaned on their kids, children reported feeling a closeness and equality with them. Daughters, especially, were most likely to describe Mom as a "best friend."
These parent-child relationships are different, but not always more difficult, than traditional ones, says Arditti, who adds: "Using your child as a confidante is not necessarily wrong. And It actually may set up opportunities for children to talk to mothers."
The Upside of Divorce
Some children of divorce learn from their parents' mistakes.
By David Mahl, published on March 01, 2000 - last reviewed on July 27, 2007
No doubt about it—divorce can be devastating for kids, setting a distorted example of a healthy partnership. But many children of divorce not only adjust well to family breakups, they develop thriving relationships in their wake.
I interviewed 28 college students to see how their parents' divorces influenced their romantic lives, and found they were equally split into three groups: "Modelers" tended to copy the dysfunctional behaviors they witnessed in their parents' marriage, causing conflict in their own relationships. "Strugglers" were cautious about trusting others and unsure of what to expect from a partner. But another class of students, the "reconcilers," actively strove to learn from their parents' problems and thus had more successful subsequent relationships.
The group students fell into depended on the type of connection they had with their parents, post-divorce. Modelers related fairly well to their parents, but had limited insight into the problems their parents endured. Strugglers grew distant from their parents after the split, receiving little emotional support and ambiguous messages from them; consequently, they became unsure of what behaviors to emulate in their own love lives. Reconcilers, however, remained close to their parents, who were also more likely to go on to happy remarriages. This positive example made reconcilers optimistic about their love lives and helped them learn to relate to romantic partners.
Divorce can strengthen kids' ability to sustain successful relationships, but only if their parents stay supportive throughout the ordeal—and afterward. Parents should explain their marital dilemmas to their children to alert them to problems they might otherwise duplicate. In the end, good communication can prevent romantic history from repeating itself.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Another "Upside of Divorce" Perspective!
Here's another upside of divorce that someone else can see. This one underscores my title's specific upside, that is, how divorce gives one a second chance at life!
Hope you enjoy this one! Brian Daniel
The Upside of Divorce
November 15, 2008 10:57 am by Helga Hayse in Love & Sex
The end of marriage can be the beginning of friendship.
When my first husband and I divorced, we realized we were two perfectly fine individuals who just couldn’t make it together. He was a good man; I was a good woman. We had grown apart over the years and no longer shared the same values, interests or desires.
No one was to blame. There was no need to cast each other in the role of villain. Neither of us victimized the other. We shared responsibility for not trying harder to keep our marriage intact. Unfortunately, we caused our children pain by divorcing but we didn’t know how to avoid that.
A few years after our divorce, my ex met a woman who was perfect for him. They are still married today after 25 years. She was wonderful to our girls, and to me. I liked her and included her in family events. I remarried too. My second husband liked that we all got along. His ex-wife didn’t think that was all right, so she wasn’t part of our life.
My ex and his wife remain an integral part of our small family. I love them both. It took a while for their friends to understand how exes could remain so close. Why not? We’re all enriched by enjoying the best of each other.
When a marriage doesn’t work out, it’s easier to blame than to accept responsibility. Imperfect people with unmet needs marry each other and expect that their mate will make them happy. I used to believe that too. So maybe the question to ask after divorce is “How did I grow from this experience and what have I learned about myself?”
Divorce doesn’t have to be a battleground. You just have to change your frame of reference.
What do you think?
Hope you enjoy this one! Brian Daniel
The Upside of Divorce
November 15, 2008 10:57 am by Helga Hayse in Love & Sex
The end of marriage can be the beginning of friendship.
When my first husband and I divorced, we realized we were two perfectly fine individuals who just couldn’t make it together. He was a good man; I was a good woman. We had grown apart over the years and no longer shared the same values, interests or desires.
No one was to blame. There was no need to cast each other in the role of villain. Neither of us victimized the other. We shared responsibility for not trying harder to keep our marriage intact. Unfortunately, we caused our children pain by divorcing but we didn’t know how to avoid that.
A few years after our divorce, my ex met a woman who was perfect for him. They are still married today after 25 years. She was wonderful to our girls, and to me. I liked her and included her in family events. I remarried too. My second husband liked that we all got along. His ex-wife didn’t think that was all right, so she wasn’t part of our life.
My ex and his wife remain an integral part of our small family. I love them both. It took a while for their friends to understand how exes could remain so close. Why not? We’re all enriched by enjoying the best of each other.
When a marriage doesn’t work out, it’s easier to blame than to accept responsibility. Imperfect people with unmet needs marry each other and expect that their mate will make them happy. I used to believe that too. So maybe the question to ask after divorce is “How did I grow from this experience and what have I learned about myself?”
Divorce doesn’t have to be a battleground. You just have to change your frame of reference.
What do you think?
Monday, June 20, 2011
The Unexpected Upside of Divorce
This blog below was written in 2009 by Marjie Killeen on her website called "Forty Fabulous".....
I have written many blogs about how there are many more upsides to divorce or separation to many book buyers and unbelievers too.
Read below how someone else can see the upsides. Brian Daniel
The Unexpected Upside of Divorce
Divorce isn't easy for either party, but it's especially painful for the spouse who's left behind. As Armando said, "It takes two to get married, but only one to get a divorce." However, as the dust of their marriages settles, both Armando and Lance have begun to feel that they've grown from the experience.
Armando feels his divorce "has been an awakening. I have a stronger sense of character since going through the crisis."
Lance agrees. "Divorce in a weird way has made me feel that I have a more valuable life perspective to share with my kids," he said. "I've been through something. If you asked me - when did you feel like you were a grown man? I'd say just this year."
Although both men opposed divorce and fought to keep their families together, they now see that they weren't getting what they needed from their marriages either.
One of Lance's oldest friends told him "You dodged a bullet. You don't want to grow old with a woman who was gonna treat you like shit and doesn't like you."
Lance feels he deserves to be treated better - to be appreciated - and in his current relationship, he is. Armando has also done a lot of thinking about what he wants from his next girlfriend.
"Relationship problems stem from yourself," he said. "You need to love yourself in a healthy way. Be connected, but not dependent. Leave some space." Armando jokes about looking for some T&A, but says the most important quality he's really seeking is trust.
"Once it's been violated, it takes work to get it back."
Since they've split from their wives, Vince, Armando and Marlon have discovered there are parts of living alone they really enjoy - especially the lack of conflict.
"I feel more peaceful, not stressed out, " said Marlon. "I enjoy my freedom and I can make decisions for myself without having to compromise all the time."
Of course, being single again brings newfound drama, and that has its upside too.
As Vince put it, "It makes you feel alive."
I have written many blogs about how there are many more upsides to divorce or separation to many book buyers and unbelievers too.
Read below how someone else can see the upsides. Brian Daniel
The Unexpected Upside of Divorce
Divorce isn't easy for either party, but it's especially painful for the spouse who's left behind. As Armando said, "It takes two to get married, but only one to get a divorce." However, as the dust of their marriages settles, both Armando and Lance have begun to feel that they've grown from the experience.
Armando feels his divorce "has been an awakening. I have a stronger sense of character since going through the crisis."
Lance agrees. "Divorce in a weird way has made me feel that I have a more valuable life perspective to share with my kids," he said. "I've been through something. If you asked me - when did you feel like you were a grown man? I'd say just this year."
Although both men opposed divorce and fought to keep their families together, they now see that they weren't getting what they needed from their marriages either.
One of Lance's oldest friends told him "You dodged a bullet. You don't want to grow old with a woman who was gonna treat you like shit and doesn't like you."
Lance feels he deserves to be treated better - to be appreciated - and in his current relationship, he is. Armando has also done a lot of thinking about what he wants from his next girlfriend.
"Relationship problems stem from yourself," he said. "You need to love yourself in a healthy way. Be connected, but not dependent. Leave some space." Armando jokes about looking for some T&A, but says the most important quality he's really seeking is trust.
"Once it's been violated, it takes work to get it back."
Since they've split from their wives, Vince, Armando and Marlon have discovered there are parts of living alone they really enjoy - especially the lack of conflict.
"I feel more peaceful, not stressed out, " said Marlon. "I enjoy my freedom and I can make decisions for myself without having to compromise all the time."
Of course, being single again brings newfound drama, and that has its upside too.
As Vince put it, "It makes you feel alive."
Friday, June 17, 2011
It Takes About Two Years for Most Ex-Partners to Move On
That's what I write about in my book.
And with some positive attitude, and some self-improvement things-to-do that will increase your self-esteem, you too can make a move on to a better and more enjoyable life after divorce or separation.
Here's another person who has spent the two years and is finding her better life after her divorce. Read this note I found today on a website...
Re: 2 years & still some agony.. normal?
I am outgoing, positive, confident & have good self-esteem everywhere else in my life but I've always been a different person around him, more reserved while he was the "voice" that others heard. I always tried to communicate my opinions & feelings but now I see both outwardly & subtly, he had a lot of control. I spent a lot of energy trying to make him happy & he downplayed who I was. He liked it that way.
You're right tho - without him, people have said I have my sparkle & perkiness back. On the one hand, not knowing him anymore after 17 years seems odd but on the other hand, he has treated me poorly so no loss.
Other than that, I'll do it.
And with some positive attitude, and some self-improvement things-to-do that will increase your self-esteem, you too can make a move on to a better and more enjoyable life after divorce or separation.
Here's another person who has spent the two years and is finding her better life after her divorce. Read this note I found today on a website...
Re: 2 years & still some agony.. normal?
I am outgoing, positive, confident & have good self-esteem everywhere else in my life but I've always been a different person around him, more reserved while he was the "voice" that others heard. I always tried to communicate my opinions & feelings but now I see both outwardly & subtly, he had a lot of control. I spent a lot of energy trying to make him happy & he downplayed who I was. He liked it that way.
You're right tho - without him, people have said I have my sparkle & perkiness back. On the one hand, not knowing him anymore after 17 years seems odd but on the other hand, he has treated me poorly so no loss.
Other than that, I'll do it.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Another GOOD Book Review!
This complimentary book review comes from Bob.
Here's what he had to say:
I finished reading your book early in March and thought it was a very good read, especially from a man’s perspective. I have read other books on the subject but were mostly from the woman’s side. I could easily relate to you since I too was married for 23 years when she said she no longer loved me.
A topic I would like to discuss is Chapter 12: Will you marry or just be friends?
Now in your book you said you were divorced 5 years - that was back in 2007? By now, in 2011, it’s been 9 years since your divorce? Have you found your soul mate and long time partner yet? And how did you find her? Did you get re -married in the end? Or not to avoid another divorce.
(Note from me: We did discuss these topics above in a couple of emails.
A lot of my book buyers contact me to discuss various chapters and topics of my book.)
Again Brian, your book is great and glad I bought it. I will have to read it a second time soon.
Best regards and thanks for the follow up.
Bob
Here's what he had to say:
I finished reading your book early in March and thought it was a very good read, especially from a man’s perspective. I have read other books on the subject but were mostly from the woman’s side. I could easily relate to you since I too was married for 23 years when she said she no longer loved me.
A topic I would like to discuss is Chapter 12: Will you marry or just be friends?
Now in your book you said you were divorced 5 years - that was back in 2007? By now, in 2011, it’s been 9 years since your divorce? Have you found your soul mate and long time partner yet? And how did you find her? Did you get re -married in the end? Or not to avoid another divorce.
(Note from me: We did discuss these topics above in a couple of emails.
A lot of my book buyers contact me to discuss various chapters and topics of my book.)
Again Brian, your book is great and glad I bought it. I will have to read it a second time soon.
Best regards and thanks for the follow up.
Bob
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