Sunday, December 31, 2017

Divorce can bring unexpected financial benefits, experts say -- Newsday - Business

Another article about how a POSITIVE approaches can help you develop a POSITIVE Divorce Recovery!

Financial Upsides can be yours too! $$$$$$$$$$$$!!

You will find that you need to drop all negative thoughts before you can look and see the POSITIVE and UPSIDES for your next chapters of life!

ONE SHOULD ALWAYS TRY TO MAKE SOMETHING NEGATIVE INTO SOMETHING POSITIVE. This story turn out better than expected and may have also influenced the relationship after their divorce,

My book, mostly about the many UPSIDES of divorce, can help you to find the positive sides too that are available in and after divorce.

Search "upside of divorce" at Amazon Books and see my blogs (all of them, all 346) and see all the reviews. Thanks for a look!

Positive changes you can make will build your self esteem, confidence and the want to do even more positives for yourself and your family.

Take a look at my book below if you are interested. My book is all about the upsides.

Brian Daniel

Divorce is Very Negative but You'll See ALL UPSIDES with Brian's Book, Yes,There Is An Upside of Divorce, It Can Be Your Second Chance at Life!

My book "Upside of Divorce" (short title) is available with a discount on my tibodad@yahoo.com email and just $13 covers the 9 inch X 6 inch plus Postage,Shipping and Handling --You can save over $6 !!

You can search it on Amazon and buy it there too.

AND, A KINDLE EDITION OF MY BOOK IS NOW AVAILABLE, for just $4.99!

Here is the article, Brian

Among the plusses for the newly split is more freedom to make investment choices.

‘Tis the season, not only for merriment, but matrimonial meltdown. January is the month many folks file for divorce.

Fear not, if you find yourself in that unfortunate crowd. While divorce can wreak financial havoc on families, in some cases it can have unexpected financial benefits.

Surprise, you’re entitled: If you’re divorced, were married for at least 10 years and are currently unmarried, when you turn 62 you can receive a Social Security spousal benefit if your ex-spouse is 62 or older, says Sharon Lacy of Natural Bridges Financial Advisors in Santa Cruz, California. “If you’re married, you must wait until your spouse files for their own benefit.”

A nonworking spouse may receive a portion of the working spouse’s IRA in the divorce settlement, adds Jeffrey Sklar of Sklar, Heyman, Hirshfield & Kantor CPAs in Bellmore. And sometimes spouses forget to change their beneficiaries after divorce, and their former spouse inherits their IRA or 401(k) — “an unexpected windfall.”

Potential tax benefits: Married couples who file jointly sometimes land in a higher tax bracket and pay more in taxes once their salaries are combined. “Divorce, which leads to single filing, can mean more back in the pocket at tax time,” says Fred Schebesta of personal finance comparison site finder.com.

Become the chief financial officer: “The big positive is better control over their money — especially if their spouse had a shopping or gambling problem,” says Emma Johnson, who blogs at wealthysinglemommy.com.

Manage your retirement account however you choose. “Those that are risk-tolerant may expand their investment choices in ways that would’ve made their ex-spouses uncomfortable,” says Andrew Samalin of the Samalin Group in Manhattan.

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Can a sabbatical save your marriage? --- Independ.IE

With Louise Redknapp reported to be on the verge of reuniting with husband Jamie, Tanya Sweeney asks if a break could be the making of your relationship

Theirs has been a split with all the ingredients of a dramatic pot-boiler - a glamorous woman hitting the tiles with her new best mate; meddlesome in-laws; a reported midlife crisis; tabloid headlines and pap shots aplenty.

But Louise and Jamie Redknapp's marriage breakdown now appears to have a third-act twist that few saw coming - a possible reconciliation.

In the last few months, Louise has looked happier - certainly, more outgoing - than ever on social media. Friends claimed the former Eternal singer was 'testing' her footballer husband and that her new lease of life was merely a ploy to show Jamie what he was missing. It had been reported that the couple had been living incompatible lives as they approached their 20th anniversary, with her taste for fun and glamour a far cry from his preference for quiet nights in.

For her part, Louise has revealed that problems had been afoot as her marriage neared breakdown. But now, Louise (43) is rethinking her split, with a source telling Now magazine: "Louise has started to wobble and really misses Jamie and her family. It's all been a hard call for her and there have been times when she's felt stronger and times she felt weaker about being apart from Jamie."

So does a relationship 'sabbatical' ever work?

Dublin-based florist Stella (not her real name) split from her husband Stephen at 44 after 15 years of marriage. When they decided to reunite, everyone around them had an opinion on it: "Most of my friends thought we were fooling ourselves, that once the seal was broken it could never be repaired. Unfortunately, they were right and after a year of happiness, we did ultimately separate for good.

Looking back, I think we were merely prolonging the agony.
"We missed each other and figured there was enough good stuff there to give it a second go. And being back on date nights was amazing. But just because you think something's worth another shot, doesn't mean it will necessarily work.

The cracks started reappearing, worse than before. In the end, we both agreed that life was too short to be miserable with each other." And the official statistics make for unsettling reading. More second marriages end in divorce than first marriages. In the US, around six per cent of divorced couples remarry each other. Yet Psychology Today has stated that "a whopping 60pc of remarriages fail. And they do so even more quickly; after an average of 10 years, 37pc of remarriages have dissolved versus 30pc of first marriages".

In a recent study on couples who remarry, the reasons for doing so varied among different age groups: young couples might divorce on impulse and they chose to remarry and start again after careful consideration; older couples remarried because they needed to care for each other. About 70pc of the divorced couples remarried one another because of their children. And two out of five respondents had simply felt lonely after the divorce.

And so the question arises; is it sensible - or even safe - to return to the scene of the proverbial crime? A bottomless pit of clichés come to mind: people break up for a reason; once a cheater always a cheater; the grass is always greener; too much water under the bridge; absence makes the heart grow fonder (or at the very least, worry about the mortgage more).

"I don't think it's madness if the couple has resolved their reasons for breaking up," asserts marriage therapist David Kavanagh (marriagetherapy.ie). "Sometimes it's as simple as someone wanting to explore what it's like being single again, and they go on a date and realise that the person they were with is more suitable a companion than they ever gave them credit for.
"I've come across a lot of couples in my pre-marriage courses where they split after five or six years together, do their own things under the assumption they might get back together, and six months later, they're in for a pre-marriage course."

Those who make a habit of breaking and making up, meanwhile, should probably exercise caution.

"This couple lives off the drama of breaking up and reuniting," notes Kavanagh. "Something in their make-up means they don't feel comfortable when all is fine and calm in their relationship. If, for example, you grew up in a household and your parents had a difficult and stormy relationship, the chaos becomes like second nature. They're just not happy in a steady, boring relationship. They are addicted to the first flush of love, that rush of blood to the head that you get."

But how do you ensure that a patched-up marriage doesn't wander back into similar territory?
"They've experienced loss and grieving on such a big scale from the first time round, it's hard not to get coloured by that experience," says marriage counselor Lisa O'Hara. "Fear is important, normal and healthy because it stops people becoming complacent."

Adds Kavanagh: "[The chances of the marriage lasting] depends on how the break-up happened. If a lot of stuff was thrown around verbally and things got toxic, the damage done can result in an unhealthy reunion. But if a couple broke up via mutual agreement and they've grown apart, there's no reason why they can't reconnect."

Hoping to find a spark where one has been absent for a long time is a fool's errand, notes Kavanagh: "If you have no attraction to your partner, no amount of therapy will make this happen, and this is a mistake a lot of people make. That spark won't magically reappear just because you've gone to therapy and said it in front of a stranger."

"Long term partners need resilience to re-navigate through difficulties," says O'Hara. "But you can discover how strong you can be. If you see the relationship slipping back into old ways, you'll know not to brush it under the carpet. Doing that is the death knell."
Kavanagh also acknowledges that slipping back into familiar dynamics is an all-too-common habit for reuniting couples.

"There's a big danger of that after the honeymoon period," he admits. "The trick is to try and maintain a permanency to the changes you've made, and embedding them into the relationship. I suggest to couples they should have a contract when they get married - they should write down something legally binding about how they promise not to take each other for granted. It's like a mission statement. You get them in workplaces and they're there to help people stay on track."

He might be on to something. In her book The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage For Skeptics, Realists And Rebels, Vicki Larson makes the case for renewable marriage contracts. Conscious coupling, if you will.

Larson suggests couples take an 'emotional' inventory every seven years (or in some cases, before deciding whether or not to have children), checking that values and feelings on the big stuff like finance, having children and parenting styles still tally up. "If we had renewable marriage contracts, we wouldn't have years of mean, passive aggressive behaviour," says Larson. "You'd have to be held accountable. That's the problem with the idea of longevity of commitment above all else. Nothing holds people accountable for that behaviour."

Sunday, October 29, 2017

Do some people handle break-ups better? A psychologist explains -- NZ Herald

Woman fights for custody of son after getting pregnant while being surrogate

An American woman had to fight for custody of her biological son when she became pregnant with twins while being a surrogate for a Chinese couple.

Jessica Allen of Perris, California, was doing In Vitro Fertalization (IVF) for the Lius (named for the sake of the article) in April 2016, nearly a year after giving birth to her second son with Wardell Jasper, 34.

And after engaging in intercourse with Jasper - claiming the use of a condom - Allen returned to the hospital to discover she was pregnant with twins, reports Daily Mail.

"Not once during the pregnancy did any of the medical staff provided by the agency say that the babies were in separate sacs," she said to the New York Post.

"As far as we were concerned, the transferred embryo had split in two and the twins were identical."

But what they would all soon find out was that the at-the-time mother of two was naturally pregnant with her own child along with the Lius's through an extremely rare medical incident called superfetation.

Allen had first decided to become a surrogate in fall of 2015, six months after the birth of son, Jarius.

"'This is your chance to give a family the blessing of a child,' Wardell told me," added Allen, who is white.

"Besides, I wanted to stay at home with my sons rather than return to my job as a senior caregiver, and we decided we'd put the money toward buying a house."

Working with San Diego-based agency Omega Family Global, she was paired with the Lius and followed along with the scheduled routine until she found out she was expecting double at the six-weeks scan.

She said: "I was a bit scared, but I heard the Lius were thrilled to be having twins.

"My $30,000 payment, including expenses - which I received in installments by check each month - was increased by $5,000 for the second child.'

Allen gave birth to both boys at 38 weeks on December 12, 2016. She recalled that Mrs Liu, who was in the delivery room, was worried about the decision to have a C-section birth.

And while Allen tried to be comforting to the woman, she was upset to not be given the chance to see the babies after giving birth to them.

"I didn't even get a look at the babies when they were pulled out because it was done behind an opaque screen," added Allen.

"They were taken from the operating room before I had a chance to see them."

Communication was sketchy but on January 10, days before moving into their new home, Allen received a WeChat message and picture from Mrs Liu that said "'They are not the same, right?' followed by, 'Have you thought about why they are different?'"

Both babies were still in California at the time, so a DNA test was conducted where it was discovered that one of the boys - named Max - was actually biracial and belonged to Allen and Jasper.

Allen was told, by the agency, that the Lius wanted nothing to do with Max - soliciting $18,000 (NZD $26,148) to $22,000 (NZD $31,959) in compensation.

To their additional horror, Allen said that the agency was prepared to give her son to another family and/or allow the Lius to put Max up for adoption since they were his legal parents.

"We want our son," asserted Allen who was furious that the caseworker at Omega requested another $7,000 (NZD $10,168) for the difficulties she endured in taking care of the baby.

After spending $3,000 (NZD $4,358) in legal fees, the couple were able to get the money that they "owed" to the Chinese couple reduced to zero.

According to the New York Post, Omega's CEO, Dr. Kyle Kramer said that the company would pay the expenses for the Lius.

But because of nondisclosure agreements and federal patient privacy laws, the firm can't get into more detail about the claims for Allen they are disputing.

Their company lawyer did add, however, that the company "takes great pride in the care, attention and support that is given to all surrogates."

On February 5, Allen was finally reunited with her baby - now named Malachi - when she met an Omega caseworker in a Menifee, California, Starbucks parking lot.

Allen and Jasper got married in April and enjoy the new life with their three boys.

She added: "I don't regret becoming a surrogate mom because that would mean regretting my son.

"I just hope other women considering surrogacy can learn from my story. And that a greater good will come out of this nightmare."

While only legal in a few states, consumer surrogacy saw nearly a 100 percent increase from 2004 to 2008 of 738 to 1400 babies, according to recent reports from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and the Society for Assisted Reproductive Technology.

But, since not every surrogate birth is reported, it is unknown how many babies are actually born using the method.

Sunday, October 8, 2017

The gift of a second chance( after divorce) through music -- Eastern Eye

Another article about how a POSITIVE approaches can help you develop a POSITIVE Divorce Recovery!

This Positive is all about MUSIC !
For my own battle with divorce, music about divorce helped me a lot!

The article helped a country singer working out his divorce with his single to his fans.

You will find that you need to drop all negative thoughts before you can look and see the POSITIVE and UPSIDES for your next chapters of life!

ONE SHOULD ALWAYS TRY TO MAKE SOMETHING NEGATIVE INTO SOMETHING POSITIVE. This story turn out better than expected and may have also influenced the relationship after their divorce,

My book, mostly about the many UPSIDES of divorce, can help you to find the positive sides too that are available in and after divorce.

Search "upside of divorce" at Amazon Books and see my blogs (all of them, all 345) and see all the reviews. Thanks for a look!

Positive changes you can make will build your self esteem, confidence and the want to do even more positives for yourself and your family.

Take a look at my book below if you are interested. My book is all about the upsides.

Brian Daniel

Divorce is Very Negative but You'll See ALL UPSIDES with Brian's Book, Yes,There Is An Upside of Divorce, It Can Be Your Second Chance at Life!

My book "Upside of Divorce" (short title) is available with a discount on my tibodad@yahoo.com email and just $13 covers the 9 inch X 6 inch plus Postage,Shipping and Handling --You can save over $6 !!

You can search it on Amazon and buy it there too.

AND, A KINDLE EDITION OF MY BOOK IS NOW AVAILABLE, for just $4.99!

Here is the article, Brian.

What led you towards your latest single  Beparwaiyan?
My friends always encouraged me to sing and when I went through my divorce I used music as part of my healing process.

Tell us about the song.
The song is about my feelings and how I travelled through this crazy journey of feeling suffocated during such a painful time.

What made you want to talk about something so personal as a divorce?
I wanted to share my very relatable experience with others including my nearest and dearest. I wish I had met certain individuals sooner rather than later, who helped and guided me through such tough times. I want people to know that there will always be light, at the other end of the tunnel and hopefully achieved that with this song.

Who do you hope connects with the song?
I’m hoping to connect with people who have a pulse for music. I want people to feel my track, feel the lyrics and music.

How has the song helped you?
The whole journey has been massive for me in more ways than one. Beparwaiyan has helped me find my confidence again.

What is the plan going ahead?
The plan going ahead is for people to hopefully appreciate my work and give me the confidence to continue making further tracks.

What makes for a good song?
I’m a soulful person. A good song is one that makes you feel something, whether that is the emotion in the voice, rhythm in the sound or something else. In that regard a good song can be from any language, country or genre. If it moves you, that’s a good song.

What inspires you?
My parents are the biggest inspiration for me. They have always supported me and I can never thank them enough.

Why should we pick up your latest song?
I want you to come on a journey with me and hopefully make you feel the emotions at the heart of this song. I really want support for my music, so I am able to make more.

Why do you love music?
Music brought me back to life again and gave me a second chance. Without God and music I wouldn’t be here

Saturday, September 16, 2017

Divorced? 4 Valuable Life Lessons to Master Now -- Moving Past Divorce

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
The aftermath of divorce can be a sense of self-discovery or internment in a self-made prison of depression and resentment. It’s all about our acceptance of what is and determination to use the divorce as a pathway to a new and better life. The good news: it’s all up to us. We can create an attitude of positive expectation or we can subjugate ourselves to months and years of self-pity and despair down the road. The bad news: it’s not always easy to change our attitude or perspective on life. But if you do, you’ll be rewarded with a happier future for yourself as well as your children.
Here are some vital steps to embracing your divorce as a catalyst to a brighter future.

Boost your self-esteem. One of the most damaging effects of divorce can be a toll on your self-esteem, especially if you were not the partner who initiated the breakup. Feeling rejected, abused or like a victim is understandable during and after divorce. However, that mindset can hold you back from using the divorce as a stepping-stone to a healthier new reality. It’s up to us to decide we’re going to create a better life for ourselves and our children by adopting a positive attitude about the possibilities ahead. That means being pro-active and not re-active in your decisions, looking for new friends and activities that are fulfilling, exploring new sides of our self that may have been dormant during the marriage, and developing a higher level of self-confidence. Your children will benefit from watching you re-discover who you are and learn from your approach to tackling life challenges as a positive role model.

Use divorce as a lesson in self-awareness. Ask yourself some crucial questions: What went wrong – and why? What part did I play in the break-up of my marriage? If I had responded earlier to red flags might I have changed the course of our marriage, reduced the hurt and pain, put us back on track or better protected myself and the children? These are hard questions to reflect upon. Find a therapist, coach or support group to guide you in finding answers and insights. Usually, if we knew better we’d have done better. So don’t focus on regrets. Find the lessons you can learn now – and move ahead with more confidence in creating a happier future.

Forgive yourself as well as your Ex. Forgiveness is the gift you give to yourself. It’s not for or about the other person. It releases you from the pain of staying bound up in the past. Blaming yourself or your former spouse serves no purpose in reinventing your life. It holds you back from enjoying today – as well as tomorrow. This is a huge step forward, but you may need professional assistance in letting go, moving on and understanding the value of forgiveness as a positive tool for self-empowerment. Forgiveness doesn’t mean condoning the hurtful experiences in the past. It means you’re freeing yourself from letting it hurt you any more!

Re-explore your expectations about healthy relationships. Were you looking for the right partner when you married? Or can you now see that you accepted or settled for less than you deserved? Were you the one who had erroneous expectations about what a committed relationship was about? Do you have a better idea of the kind of person who would complement your interests, values and long-term goals? Successful relationships take skill in communicating, handling conflict, compromising and sharing space. It’s even more challenging when children are involved. Before moving back into the singles-dating arena, take time to learn about who you really are, what you can give and what you need in return to have a fulfilling intimate relationship. Take your time. Get the professional help you may need. Do it right this time. Your future is depending on it. And your children will thank you as well!

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

Marriage counselling: Can talking save a rocky relationship? -- The Southland Times

If you're already on the verge of a split, will counselling make a difference?

It's the phrase beloved of agony aunts for every warring couple - "counselling would be helpful".
The assumption is that anyone on the brink of divorce would benefit from sitting down together for a few sessions with a wise third party; someone who can make sense of dissent, and encourage two furious, hurt people to listen to each other. But does it always help?

There are currently an estimated three million people in the UK whose marriages are struggling. It's estimated that a significant 18 per cent are in "distressed" relationships, while a recent survey by Relate, Relationships Scotland and Marriage Care found that the greatest problems were financial difficulties (26 per cent), lack of understanding (20 per cent) and differing libido (19 per cent).
A few years ago, suffering from all of the above, I went for counselling with my then-husband. We paid to go privately, to escape the enormous waiting lists - at that stage, we were openly hopeful that our floundering relationship of 10 years could be righted by a kindly stranger.

READ MORE:

* Dear Mrs Salisbury: Marriage counselling only gave us more problems

* 12 signs your relationship is heading for trouble

* Top 5 communication problems for couples

Secretly, I imagined she'd agree that I was right, and explain to Mark, my husband, why he was wrong. Mark almost certainly assumed she'd agree that he was right.
We were fighting constantly about money, and who was more exhausted. A wall of resentment had sprung up - I didn't want to sleep with him anymore because I didn't feel loving, and he thought my reluctance was "cold and punishing". The idea that a couple of counselling sessions could sort out our long stand-off was, at best, hopeful.

He was initially reluctant to go at all, seeing intervention as "failure", but I persuaded him. The first session with Angela was spent with me slumped on the sofa like an angry teenager, while Mark sat, alert and eager, in the armchair, answering all Angela's questions like a good boy.
"And how do you feel about Emma's anger, Mark?" she'd ask, and he'd look sorrowful and say: "I just feel so sad. I still love her."

This was news to me - and all it did was intensify my rage at him currying favour with the counsellor. I didn't feel I could tell the truth because Angela was nodding along with him so sorrowfully. I muttered that I was tired of always being "bad cop", and she said: "Do you think there's any part of you that enjoys that feeling?"

By the end, I was ready to leave them to it. We attended a couple more times, but my feeling of raging triumph when Angela said, "Let her finish, Mark", was not a good sign that love remained. We broke up soon afterwards, and five years on, are both now much happier with other people.
Clearly, we had left counselling too late - we were already on the verge of a split, and talking to someone else only clarified our positions. But if marital difficulties are caught in time, thinks David James Lees, a relationship and couples therapist, there's a good chance the relationship can be saved.
"In my experience, talking therapy can be highly effective in rescuing and resurrecting long-term relationships," he says. "Over 60 per cent of the couples I've supported end up staying together. The process is about coming together and learning to co-operate, not compromise."
Talking to a trained third party can, he says, "unlock the rigid and inflexible mindset that each partner may have. It facilitates a discussion that can remind partners of the positive reasons they first came together."

Getting to the root of resentment is key, says Lees. "My mantra is 'You can't change what you don't understand', and the counselling process helps the couple unpick the origins of their problems. It then gives them the tools to build a new relationship."
But when a bomb has exploded in the marriage - such as an affair - can discussion really cure the pain? A report from the Institute for Family Studies found that over-55s are more likely to have affairs, with 20 per cent admitting they or their partner had strayed, while the divorce rate for this age group has rocketed. Counselling can help, under any circumstances, but both partners have to be committed, says Lees.

"Without the full commitment of both, the relationship will fade and die, no matter how determined and positively committed one partner may be," he says.

Jo Nicholl, a couples counsellor of 25 years, says: "It is very hard to know if a divorce is inevitable. Counselling offers the couple a chance to look at what has happened to their relationship and the reasons it has spiralled into crisis. Looking at the relationship through a different lens can enable the couple to move beyond issues that seemed terminal."

Understanding the patterns that you're stuck in - in my case, the blame-resentment, bad-cop-good-cop cycle - can be transforming, says Nicholl, as long as you still care enough to try to change.
"Couples in therapy learn about each other's vulnerabilities and how to take responsibility for their part," she explains. "Making unconscious behaviour conscious can be transformational to the relationship."

David James Lees agrees that most couples are ready to agree on the issues that need to be addressed with four to six sessions, but some attend for much longer. In the case of couples who have genuinely decided they can't limp on together, counselling can also mean the difference between a protracted, acrimonious divorce and a relatively smooth split.

"I am a strong supporter of professional help for couples going through relationship breakdown," says family lawyer Marilyn Stowe.

"Being able to talk to a third party and be helped to either save a marriage or come to terms with what is happening is invaluable in my experience as a practitioner," she adds. "It helps lead to clearer commercial decisions, saves on emotional trauma and cuts costs and time in a legal system which is still adversarial."

The key to successful counselling is, it seems, for both parties to engage willingly - and to start in time. A study in the Journal of Marriage and Family found that couples are only half as likely to seek counselling if they are no longer living together.
In retrospect, I don't know if my marriage would have survived if we'd identified the problems earlier and sought help - but I suspect it would have had a fighting chance.

HOW TO GET THE MOST FROM COUNSELLING

1. GO EARLY

The first signs of trouble are when counselling should begin, not after the trial separation. That way, you can quickly uncover resentment and unhappiness, before it takes hold.

2. BE WILLING TO LISTEN

Going with an agenda, particularly one involving "persuading" the counsellor to take your side, is unhelpful. They are trained to listen and ask questions, not to take sides.

3. GO WILLINGLY

If you're only going resentfully, because your partner insists, you won't get much from it. Be open minded about what you might gain - at the very least, a greater understanding of yourself and what you need.

4. BE HONEST

Lying to impress the counsellor, or agreeing with him/her purely to get "Brownie points" is utterly pointless, and will only serve to deepen the rifts. Be truthful, but don't be deliberately hurtful.

5. GO FOR AS LONG AS YOU NEED

While some couples feel ready to move on in six sessions, others take longer - and some may only need a couple. Everyone's issues are different, so avoid preconceived ideas of how long it takes to "sort things out".

984 floods in the south

Saturday, August 19, 2017

Learning the keys to my happiness - Community editorial board --- Cornwall Standard

Another article about how a POSITIVE approaches can help you develop a POSITIVE Divorce Recovery!

You will find that you need to drop all negative thoughts before you can look and see the POSITIVE and UPSIDES for your next chapters of life!

ONE SHOULD ALWAYS TRY TO MAKE SOMETHING NEGATIVE INTO SOMETHING POSITIVE. This story turn out better than expected and may have also influenced the relationship after their divorce,

My book, mostly about the many UPSIDES of divorce, can help you to find the positive sides too that are available in and after divorce.

Search "upside of divorce" at Amazon Books and see my blogs (all of them, all 341) and see all the reviews. Thanks for a look!

Positive changes you can make will build your self esteem, confidence and the want to do even more positives for yourself and your family.

Take a look at my book below if you are interested. My book is all about the upsides.

Brian Daniel

Divorce is Very Negative but You'll See ALL UPSIDES with Brian's Book, Yes,There Is An Upside of Divorce, It Can Be Your Second Chance at Life!

My book "Upside of Divorce" (short title) is available with a discount on my tibodad@yahoo.com email and just $13 covers the 9 inch X 6 inch plus Postage,Shipping and Handling --You can save over $6 !!

You can search it on Amazon and buy it there too.

AND, A KINDLE EDITION OF MY BOOK IS NOW AVAILABLE, for just $4.99!

Here is the article, Brian.

How do you hang onto your happiness and joy?” my friend asked me recently.

I smiled as I thought over her question.

Happiness. It is such a simple word, but such a hard commodity to find in this world.
How many times has someone confessed to you, in a moment of naked honesty, they are just not happy with their lives? Or, who hasn’t heard of a long-term relationship breaking up because one partner or the other just was not happy?

Magazines and self-help books claim to have the answer to it. Most of us have wondered from time to time in our own lives if we are happy.
The older I get, the more I realize happiness is not always due to my external circumstances, but is more focused on my inner peace. Becoming a person marked by joy has involved concentrating on a few things in my life.

My Family.
It really is the cornerstone of who I am and my happiness. There are occasions when I have taken it for granted and not given it the time and attention it needed. The business of life and poor priorities can also pull my attention away from my family. I have had to consistently keep my focus on what truly counts.

Lee Iococca says, “The only rock that I know that stays steady, the only institution that I know works, is the family.”
They are the biggest blessings of my life.

My marriage.
I often wonder where all the years have gone. There have been some rough moments and times when we didn’t like each other very much. Times when marriage and commitment were more like choices and not so much a feeling. Yet these hard moments have been sprinkled with many happy times and milestones marking our lasting union.

In Canada, more than four in 10 first-time marriages end in divorce. A study estimated a startling number of marriages (41 per cent) will never make it to the 30-year milestone.
We have beaten the odds with our thirty-three years. I still believe in commitment, love and marriage, and the power it has to bring happiness in life.

My faith.
Everyone believes in something. My life was marked with unhappiness until I encountered a faith and belief that shattered my self-reliance and brought a lasting joy to my life. Faith has been a positive force in my life, bringing hope and peace in the most difficult of circumstances and keeping me grounded when everything around me felt like it was being shaken.

Forgiveness and reconciliation.
There is no perfect relationship. I have had to walk through relational messiness with family, friends, and even in my marriage. There have been moments in my life where I allowed disagreements, my own stubborn character and differences with others to breed misunderstanding and even separation from the people I truly cared about.

Without exception, some of the most beautiful moments in my life have been when I extended grace, love and forgiveness to others, and they extended the same to me. There is a completion and closure that happens marked by humility when you embrace the joy of moving on.

Unforgiveness and bitterness can affect a person physically, mentally and emotionally, twisting their happiness. Forgiveness brings the ultimate pay-off of restored relationship.
I had a very complicated relationship with my mother. For years it remained unresolved and felt unfinished.

I had the chance to set aside my own hurts the last few months of her life. It didn’t look like anything I expected it to. But I had the privilege to get to truly know her, and release any bitterness I had been holding. I had the honour of walking with her in the last twilight months, and I was there holding her hand when she moved into the next.

Forgiveness brought an unexpected joy and happiness as I learned to love her in an unconditional way. An imperfect process, it was still forgiveness that cleared the way for restoration, and in the end a happiness I could have never anticipated.

Lastly, I have a personal responsibility for my own happiness.
I wasted time in the past blaming people and circumstances for the way my life was turning out. My joyful attitude also involved moving on from my past. It was only when I owned my own unhappiness that real and lasting joy came into my life.

All these things flashed through my mind as I gazed at my friend. Family. Marriage. Faith. Forgiveness and Reconciliation. And lastly, personal responsibility.

Every component has made me able to focus on joy instead of pain and troubles in my life.

“Happiness is a daily choice. And anyone can make it,” I told her.
She seemed satisfied with that answer.

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

4 reasons why you should never feel ashamed of your divorce --- INSIDER

Divorce doesn't have to send you into hiding.

Our lack of discussion around divorce can lead those who get divorced to feel shame about it.
Experts told INSIDER that those going through a divorce should cut out toxic people.
Though a high rate of marriages now end in divorce, it's still a pretty taboo subject surrounded in secrecy and falsehoods. Even the often spouted divorce rate in the US (50%) isn't exactly true. It's actually a number that depends on your age, when you got married, how long you dated, and other factors.

Because divorce is considered a "shameful" thing in some societies or social circles, it can lead many people to fall into a depressive episode. But if you feel ashamed of your divorce, keep these four things in mind as you move forward and heal:

First of all, divorce is not a failure.
Relationship expert and author April Masini told INSIDER that people are so afraid of talking about divorce — and even more so about getting one themselves — because they are afraid that divorce will be a "failure" and that it will make them somehow inferior to their peers.

"People who are ashamed of divorce feel that way because they think the marriage failing is a sign that they are inferior," she said. "The reality is that we all have failures in life. Some are in relationships.

Some are in jobs. Some are in academics. Some are physical. Some are financial. Some are in health. This is what makes us all different, alike — and human. To deny failure, is to deny humanity.

When you look at divorce that way, you may not feel so ashamed."
Ending a marriage is a sign that your relationship is over — at least romantically. But instead of viewing that as a bad thing, you need to focus on the positive:

You made a choice that was likely best for you, your former partner, and anyone else involved in the decision, such as children.

We often talk about what goes into making a marriage work, but we don't focus on what happens when it ends,
realize they're not alone in this, and take it one day at a time.

"Yes, There Is an Upside of Divorce"