Another article about how a POSITIVE approaches can help you develop a POSITIVE Divorce Recovery!
You
will find that you need to drop all negative thoughts before you can
look and see the POSITIVE and UPSIDES for your next chapters of life!
ONE
SHOULD ALWAYS TRY TO MAKE SOMETHING NEGATIVE INTO SOMETHING POSITIVE.
This story turn out better than expected and may have also influenced
the relationship after their divorce,
My book, mostly about the many
UPSIDES of divorce, can help you to find the positive sides too that are available
in and after divorce.
Search "upside of divorce" at Amazon Books and see my blogs (all of them, all 341) and see all the reviews. Thanks for a look!
Positive changes you can
make will build your self esteem, confidence and the want to do even
more positives for yourself and your family.
Take a look at my book below if you are interested. My book is all about the upsides.
Brian Daniel
Divorce
is Very Negative but You'll See ALL UPSIDES with Brian's Book,
Yes,There Is An Upside of Divorce, It Can Be Your Second Chance at Life!
My
book "Upside of Divorce" (short title) is available with a discount on
my tibodad@yahoo.com email and just $13 covers the 9 inch X 6 inch plus Postage,Shipping and Handling --You can save over $6 !!
You can search it on Amazon and buy it
there too.
AND, A KINDLE EDITION OF MY BOOK IS NOW AVAILABLE, for just $4.99!
Here is the article, Brian.
If you're already on the verge of a split, will counselling make a difference?
It's the phrase beloved of agony aunts for every warring couple - "counselling would be helpful".
The assumption is that anyone on the brink of divorce would
benefit from sitting down together for a few sessions with a wise third
party; someone who can make sense of dissent, and encourage two furious,
hurt people to listen to each other. But does it always help?
There are currently an estimated three million people in the UK
whose marriages are struggling. It's estimated that a significant 18 per
cent are in "distressed" relationships, while a recent survey by
Relate, Relationships Scotland and Marriage Care found that the greatest
problems were financial difficulties (26 per cent), lack of
understanding (20 per cent) and differing libido (19 per cent).
A few years ago, suffering from all of the above, I went for
counselling with my then-husband. We paid to go privately, to escape the
enormous waiting lists - at that stage, we were openly hopeful that our
floundering relationship of 10 years could be righted by a kindly
stranger.
READ MORE:
* Dear Mrs Salisbury: Marriage counselling only gave us more problems
* 12 signs your relationship is heading for trouble
* Top 5 communication problems for couples
Secretly, I imagined she'd agree that I was right, and explain to
Mark, my husband, why he was wrong. Mark almost certainly assumed she'd
agree that he was right.
We were fighting constantly about money, and who was more
exhausted. A wall of resentment had sprung up - I didn't want to sleep
with him anymore because I didn't feel loving, and he thought my
reluctance was "cold and punishing". The idea that a couple of
counselling sessions could sort out our long stand-off was, at best,
hopeful.
He was initially reluctant to go at all, seeing intervention as
"failure", but I persuaded him. The first session with Angela was spent
with me slumped on the sofa like an angry teenager, while Mark sat,
alert and eager, in the armchair, answering all Angela's questions like a
good boy.
"And how do you feel about Emma's anger, Mark?" she'd ask, and
he'd look sorrowful and say: "I just feel so sad. I still love her."
This was news to me - and all it did was intensify my rage at him
currying favour with the counsellor. I didn't feel I could tell the
truth because Angela was nodding along with him so sorrowfully. I
muttered that I was tired of always being "bad cop", and she said: "Do
you think there's any part of you that enjoys that feeling?"
By the end, I was ready to leave them to it. We attended a couple
more times, but my feeling of raging triumph when Angela said, "Let her
finish, Mark", was not a good sign that love remained. We broke up soon
afterwards, and five years on, are both now much happier with other
people.
Clearly, we had left counselling too late - we were already on the
verge of a split, and talking to someone else only clarified our
positions. But if marital difficulties are caught in time, thinks David
James Lees, a relationship and couples therapist, there's a good chance
the relationship can be saved.
"In my experience, talking therapy can be highly effective in
rescuing and resurrecting long-term relationships," he says. "Over 60
per cent of the couples I've supported end up staying together. The
process is about coming together and learning to co-operate, not
compromise."
Talking to a trained third party can, he says, "unlock the rigid
and inflexible mindset that each partner may have. It facilitates a
discussion that can remind partners of the positive reasons they first
came together."
Getting to the root of resentment is key, says Lees. "My mantra is
'You can't change what you don't understand', and the counselling
process helps the couple unpick the origins of their problems. It then
gives them the tools to build a new relationship."
But when a bomb has exploded in the marriage - such as an affair -
can discussion really cure the pain? A report from the Institute for
Family Studies found that over-55s are more likely to have affairs, with
20 per cent admitting they or their partner had strayed, while the
divorce rate for this age group has rocketed. Counselling can help,
under any circumstances, but both partners have to be committed, says
Lees.
"Without the full commitment of both, the relationship will fade
and die, no matter how determined and positively committed one partner
may be," he says.
Jo Nicholl, a couples counsellor of 25 years, says: "It is very
hard to know if a divorce is inevitable. Counselling offers the couple a
chance to look at what has happened to their relationship and the
reasons it has spiralled into crisis. Looking at the relationship
through a different lens can enable the couple to move beyond issues
that seemed terminal."
Understanding the patterns that you're stuck in - in my case, the
blame-resentment, bad-cop-good-cop cycle - can be transforming, says
Nicholl, as long as you still care enough to try to change.
"Couples in therapy learn about each other's vulnerabilities and
how to take responsibility for their part," she explains. "Making
unconscious behaviour conscious can be transformational to the
relationship."
David James Lees agrees that most couples are ready to agree on
the issues that need to be addressed with four to six sessions, but some
attend for much longer. In the case of couples who have genuinely
decided they can't limp on together, counselling can also mean the
difference between a protracted, acrimonious divorce and a relatively
smooth split.
"I am a strong supporter of professional help for couples going
through relationship breakdown," says family lawyer Marilyn Stowe.
"Being able to talk to a third party and be helped to either save a
marriage or come to terms with what is happening is invaluable in my
experience as a practitioner," she adds. "It helps lead to clearer
commercial decisions, saves on emotional trauma and cuts costs and time
in a legal system which is still adversarial."
The key to successful counselling is, it seems, for both parties
to engage willingly - and to start in time. A study in the
Journal of Marriage and Family found that couples are only half as likely to seek counselling if they are no longer living together.
In retrospect, I don't know if my marriage would have survived if
we'd identified the problems earlier and sought help - but I suspect it
would have had a fighting chance.
HOW TO GET THE MOST FROM COUNSELLING
1. GO EARLY
The first signs of trouble are when counselling should begin, not
after the trial separation. That way, you can quickly uncover resentment
and unhappiness, before it takes hold.
2. BE WILLING TO LISTEN
Going with an agenda, particularly one involving "persuading" the
counsellor to take your side, is unhelpful. They are trained to listen
and ask questions, not to take sides.
3. GO WILLINGLY
If you're only going resentfully, because your partner insists,
you won't get much from it. Be open minded about what you might gain -
at the very least, a greater understanding of yourself and what you
need.
4. BE HONEST
Lying to impress the counsellor, or agreeing with him/her purely
to get "Brownie points" is utterly pointless, and will only serve to
deepen the rifts. Be truthful, but don't be deliberately hurtful.
5. GO FOR AS LONG AS YOU NEED
While some couples feel ready to move on in six sessions, others
take longer - and some may only need a couple. Everyone's issues are
different, so avoid preconceived ideas of how long it takes to "sort
things out".
