More Upsides of Divorce for the Children

In my book, "Upside of Divorce" (short name), I discuss how you should never put your children (or friends and other family) in the middle of your divorce arguments, one upmanship, etc.
I also believe that my boys matured a little faster than they might have otherwise and that was a good thing. This is not too say that my boys had no problems. One did suffer some emotional problems and he did need help from a therapist.

These were my experiences.

Below you can read other Upsides of Divorce for children observed by Psychology Today.
Brian Daniel



The Upside of Divorce
Refutes the contention that it is difficult and harmful for kids to grow with a single mother raising them. Information on the interview conducted by Joyce Arditti of Virginia Polytechnic Institute, on young adults raised by their mothers; Description of the parent-child relationships of persons raised by single mothers; Uniqueness of the relationship.
By Holly Parker, published on September 01, 1999
PARENTING

Single moms often depend on daughters for the support that Dad would normally have provided. But is it harmful for kids to mother their own mothers?

Not very, says Joyce Arditti, Ph.D., of the Virginia Polytechnic institute. In fact, it can be beneficial.

Arditti's interviews with 58 young adults raised by their mothers after a divorce indicated that their relationships are based in friendship, not hierarchy. When mothers leaned on their kids, children reported feeling a closeness and equality with them. Daughters, especially, were most likely to describe Mom as a "best friend."

These parent-child relationships are different, but not always more difficult, than traditional ones, says Arditti, who adds: "Using your child as a confidante is not necessarily wrong. And It actually may set up opportunities for children to talk to mothers."




The Upside of Divorce
Some children of divorce learn from their parents' mistakes.
By David Mahl, published on March 01, 2000 - last reviewed on July 27, 2007
No doubt about it—divorce can be devastating for kids, setting a distorted example of a healthy partnership. But many children of divorce not only adjust well to family breakups, they develop thriving relationships in their wake.

I interviewed 28 college students to see how their parents' divorces influenced their romantic lives, and found they were equally split into three groups: "Modelers" tended to copy the dysfunctional behaviors they witnessed in their parents' marriage, causing conflict in their own relationships. "Strugglers" were cautious about trusting others and unsure of what to expect from a partner. But another class of students, the "reconcilers," actively strove to learn from their parents' problems and thus had more successful subsequent relationships.

The group students fell into depended on the type of connection they had with their parents, post-divorce. Modelers related fairly well to their parents, but had limited insight into the problems their parents endured. Strugglers grew distant from their parents after the split, receiving little emotional support and ambiguous messages from them; consequently, they became unsure of what behaviors to emulate in their own love lives. Reconcilers, however, remained close to their parents, who were also more likely to go on to happy remarriages. This positive example made reconcilers optimistic about their love lives and helped them learn to relate to romantic partners.


Divorce can strengthen kids' ability to sustain successful relationships, but only if their parents stay supportive throughout the ordeal—and afterward. Parents should explain their marital dilemmas to their children to alert them to problems they might otherwise duplicate. In the end, good communication can prevent romantic history from repeating itself.